Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
