If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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