dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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