So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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