I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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