shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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