Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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