i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
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