My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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