I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
