So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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