My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize