there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
