imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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