it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
