a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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