I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I wish I only lived at night.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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