I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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