Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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