Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Randomize
