just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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