Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
