My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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