Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
