found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
