she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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