The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
