i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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