Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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