I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
