Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Boobs are out for the taking
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
