I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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