her vagina looked like bernie madoff
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
