I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize