I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
