She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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