i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
