turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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