i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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