I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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