How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
