Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
