If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
