I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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