How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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