made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
