Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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