Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
