so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
