he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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