my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
