why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
