I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
