On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You are a genius and a whore.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
